omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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