when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He felt like a one man threesome
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
