We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
