mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize