Im at strip club and am horny
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
