Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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