i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
they need to just BURY HIM!
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
