I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
