I accidentally had phone sex last night
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
