maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
