Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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