I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
