Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
