i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
