i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
