i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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