im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
