I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
