I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
