I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
