so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
