Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
