I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
