can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
he's single and there are thong briefs.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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