Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
