I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
