There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
We're too hungover to prance.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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