i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize