An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize
