So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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