I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
