I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize