I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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