He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Drunk is a universal language darling
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
