Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
