I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
