STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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