Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
