I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
