If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
