I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
