If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
