I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
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