we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize