Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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