I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
