The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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