You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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