I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
