my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
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