No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
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