I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize