it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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