You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
