saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
