I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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