my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
